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15 August 2007

A Mom's Meltdown

At around 2AM last night, I experienced my first meltdown as a Mom.

Before getting pregnant, up until i gave birth, i vowed to myself and to my husband, i will never EVER lose my patience to our little Monica. I will never ever scream at her. I was able to successfully fulfill it until last night.

Since I went back to work for more than a week now, I always go home exhausted. Primarily because I bring Monica to the office since she doesn't know how to feed from the bottle yet. So every after interview (that's every after 45 minutes), i run (literally) to her side and check on her and the yaya. Just in case the yaya's doing something naughty-- I don't trust her that much, in fact, not at all; I just don't have any other choice. During the times when I can just work on my desk, i wear her and try to multitask. It's a really gruelling task.

So we went home at 1030PM last night, nursed her until 11pm with fussing in between. She then "requested" to be carried while trying to reach things that are hanging. For example, I hanged toys from the ceiling fan so it'd move and she'd have something to look at.

From 11pm until 1230am, i patiently carried her, swaying her, entertaining her showing no signs of exhaustion despite her more or less 16lbs. body.

By 1230am, she started fussing again, so i tried to feed her. She doesn't want!! I tried different positions already, all in vain. Then i thought of bringing her upstairs in our room. Same thing, she kept crying even while feeding.

So i carried her and went near to our "Barney and Dora charts wall" and she was just staring at it. Studying each and every picture while i patiently told her about numbers, shapes, and colors. That lasted for a few minutes only and she went on crying again. I thought, maybe little Monica is sleepy already so i positioned her on the bed and tried to feed her, she cried, still!

I tried to ignore her (for 5 seconds only) but i couldn't bear hearing her cry so i looked at her face and told her in a VERY irritated and gigil manner, "Monica, Mommy's tired already. What's the problem? Can't we sleep? Look at the time, It's 1 o'clock already! We have to go to work tomorrow."

She kept crying and this time she was shaking as if from fear. In an instant, i got scared and felt so bad for what i said. I carried her and we sat down, and together, we cried. I was crying so hard and i kept saying sorry and promised her i'll never do it again.

Then we went to Barney and Dora again, and she started laughing and i kept crying. I thought, i made my baby feel bad about her mother and probably, herself as well. I kissed her and reassured her of my love. A few minutes after, she asked for milk and i willingly gave my breast and in an instant, she dozed off to sleep.

I really felt bad about myself last night, as a parent and as a person. In fact, I'm a bit hesitant in posting this because i feel so ashamed of the mother that I am. I haven't even told my husband about this, for sure, he'll really be disappointed in me.

I promise to do and be better next time...


1 comment:

dharmadreams said...

i can relate! since our babies have similar personalities we also have the same experiences dear lil.

hang in there, you are not alone. i think just by knowing this will make you feel better.

we all have our meltdowns. when i'm really exhausted i just close my eyes and think of how much i love my baby. (while carrying him for hours)remember to think & feel positive as it will lead to good vibrations.

i believe our babies can 'sense' if we're getting annoyed na kase at them.

so lighten up dear momma...this too, will pass ;)

when our babies are older we will miss these days when they 'needed' us for everything.

hugs to u & lil monica!!!!