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17 June 2009

Wake Up Call

If there's one thing about being a mother that I don't have is the capacity to endure cries.

I am guilty. I dislike crying. I despise it. I hate it. I hate the sound and I hate the attitude. I hate the stress it gives to me.

I keep saying that "instead of crying, just say what you want. Because I do not understand cry. I cannot help you if you keep crying."

When things get out of control and she won't stop crying (read: tantrums turned to arte or the other way around) no matter how hard I try to talk to her nicely, I really get mad. As in really mad. So mad that I regret everything I do to her, everything I tell her. I regret them and resent myself for not being more patient and enduring; even if when I know at that time, Iknew I maxed out my patience.

When it comes to kids, should there be an end of the line for patience?
If I keep enduring, won't they be "spoiled"?
If I don't, won't they be threatened or traumatized?

Today was no ordinary day. Monica woke up to a bad mood. She would play and have fun for a while but cry afterwards over small stuff. I try to ignore her cries, try to understand her.

Until I can't take it anymore. I was thinking she was trying to copy her cousin who endlessly cries. I warned her that if her toys make her cry, then I'll take away her toys; which I did.

She stopped but found something to make her cry again. Talked to her nicely again but refused to stop.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I threw a fit at her. A big one. It was a totally wrong decision as it made her cry more.

Then I brought her to the walk-in closet and told her not to come out unless she stops crying.
Tried talking to her again but she refused. Then her daddy came in and got mad as well.

Monica went to me for comfort and I tried to pacify her.

It didn't take too long when she started looking for Momyo. It was Momyo she was looking for. She didn't want me. She wanted her grandmother.

The crying never stopped for next 30 minutes. She kept insisting to go to Momyo and i kept telling her she wasn't around and she should stop crying first before I can let her out.

I was hurting while she was crying out for her lola.
She stoppped crying.

I held her in my arms and tried to console her.
She was pushing me away and calling out to Momyo.

Then I brought her to the bed and tried to talk to her about what happened.
And suddenly found myself crying.

What is supposed to be a wake up call for Monica about crying turns out to be a wake up call for ME.

First thought that came to my mind,
Doesn't she feel safe with me/us anymore?
Doesn't she feel comfort from me/ us anymore?
Is she starting to drift away from me?
Is this the start of a failed relationship so young?

I don't know anymore.
There is no other way I know how to be a mother.

But I guess can do something about it. If not for me, at least for my kids.

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